Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Moms Who Need Wine

Isn't that just a brilliant name for a blog? I just finished reading this post in the Momswhoneedwine blog.

Now, let's be clear. I am definitely a mom who needs wine. Red wine. Good red wine. I'll also accept any number of cocktails, Martinis being at the head of that list.

Thank God we clarified that. You know, just in case you thought I was a tea-totaller. Whew.

So, the post on Momswhoneedwine is brilliant. It's my life. My frantic, hectic, mind-boggling, head-spinning life. The point of the post (in case you don't want to go there to read it) is to highlight just exactly how dazzling it is to be a full-time working mom. "Dazzling," as in "I'm a deer in the headlights and I can't figure out what the hell is going on because life is speeding toward me so fast I could just barf". Definitely not "dazzling" as in "I'm a star."

I've had this conversation a lot with Anthony lately. You know, the "I'm having a hissy-fit because I'm totally completely overwhelmed" conversation.

Me: "Argh! Ack! What the...! I want to die! I hate this! Did I already mention 'What the...?'"
Anthony: "Did you say something?" (as he looks up from the television).

The whole thing about "having it all" is that it's simply too much. At least, too much for women.

Here's how it works. Over time, you acquire it all. You actually WORK VERY HARD because, get this, you WANT IT ALL (or at least, you THINK you want it all): the job, the hubby, the house, the hobbies, the kids, the pets, a bigger house, a more frightening job, maybe another kid, more pets, throw in a cottage, the kids get hobbies, the pets grow incontinent, your mother moves in, your mother-in-law gets Alzheimers, the.......oh, well, you get my point.

And suddenly you realize: it's too much. You no longer want it all. What you want is to take large swathes of your life and dump them in the river. You could never work another day and be thrilled. If you never heard from your mother or mother-in-law ever again, you'd be even more thrilled. You long for the times (like when we were kids) when it was acceptable to refuse to drive your kids ANYWHERE, and btw, "No, you can't have that. Ever. End of explanation."

I am currently in this position. I know many woman who are as well.

Now, the double-edge about this is that men never get overwhelmed by having it all. They gladly go along with the women: "You want a bigger house? Sure dear. Another kid? Well, ok, if you insist. You're taking that promotion? Good on ya!"

The truth is, men don't get overwhelmed, because they don't really want it all, they never aspire to have it all, and in point of fact, their definition of "having it all" is so very much smaller than most women's, it's microscopic in comparison.

MEN who have it all actually have: JOB. (Car, girlfriend/wife, sports/hobby). End of list. In Anthony's case, his hobby is watching tv.

WOMEN who have it all: see my rant above. Add to that list: time to exercise, quality time with children, making costumes, lunches, school projects, driving granny to the doctor, picking paint colours for the repairs that may just never get done......I might as well end here, because otherwise I'll just keep writing. Women's "ALL" is never-ending.

Anthony does his job well. It's his priority. Everything else is a far-distant number 2. He doesn't think about what we will have for dinner that night. He just doesn't care, and would eat cardboard (or frozen dinners) for the rest of his life if I didn't insist on preparing semi-healthy meals for the majority of our suppers.

A clean house? Please. Anthony never ever cleaned a house until the day I made him help me do that, a couple of years ago. And he certainly never thinks about it or adds it to a list of "worries" that women like me carry around at the backs of our minds, all day, while we're busily multi-tasking away. Anthony would live in a dust-heap and like it. So much better than actually wasting time cleaning, no?

The million things around the house that need repair? Ahahahahahhaha!!!!! That's Anthony laughing nervously when I mention them. He's nervous because if I mention them, he may have to deal with them. And honestly, he just couldn't care less. He'll deal with them, to please me. But if not for me, he'd deal with house repairs like he does with anything else that isn't work related: at his own pace, when he has time, when HE feels like it. And that might mean never.

What ever. That's how he thinks about all the extraneous stuff. And then he relaxes. Because he works hard at his job and he knows, instinctively, that he will become overwhelmed if he starts thinking about all the other stuff that requires our attention. So he doesn't.

Now, why can't women be like that?

The upshot of all of this is that I am a mom who needs wine. Because I just can't shut down that ever-growing, morphing, hateful list that's in my mind, the list that reminds me what I need to do in order to continue HAVING IT ALL.

Methinks it's time to downsize. Maybe I should just give it all up, have a sex-change operation, and BECOME a man.


I'd probably just continue thinking like a woman ;)


  1. I kinda got tired just reading this : ) And made me think about what 'having it all' means to me. And my husband. Who would also be content eating cardboard or tv dinners. All he needs is a sport channel. Maybe a wine channel would help? Or a wife? I could use a wife, I think!

    1. I have often said in the past (with some odd looks thrown my way) that I need a wife :)
      And I can't believe the cardboard-eating habit is so wide-spread!