Sunday, September 21, 2014

So What Now?

So the thing is, as ever, life goes on.

And there is nothing more annoying, or self-defeating,than a whinger. Someone who goes on about how others have hampered them. OTHERS stood in their way.  Others did this and that blah blah blah...

It is true that you carve your own path, and anyone who says "OH MY! Me mammie held me back, "(or any one else) is just employing excuses.

So that is not what I've been trying to say in my last posts. Whatever I have done, was what I wanted to.

Whatever dysfunctional relationships I've had in the past, which I've continued (not disfunctionally, but continued the relationship at a distance on my terms), I was aware of...and new ones have been largely functional. And happy.

So I go forth...but everything changes. Death brings change and new life. One day I will be able to articulate this better........:)

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Salvation?

So I've updated you on my last year. It's been horrid.

The thing is, I lost myself during that time. All I did was take care of others.And while that in itself is not a wholly bad thing, it is when others are taking advantage. And that's how I feel.

I feel like my mother took advantage, sometimes. I feel like my kids took advantage sometimes, And I feel like my husband took advantage. I got into "taking care of others" mode, and never thought about myself. And nor, apparently, did others.

I haven't worked full-time since my ex-husband left me. Why? Because I couldn't leave my kids. I ended up getting divorced in a part of Canada where you must absolutely be bilingual in order to be employed in my line of work. And I'm not bilingual. So I've worked part-time, on contract every since. Yeah, they'll hire you for those kinds of jobs, even if you're not bilingual. What a great country, and government, we have.

So I couldn't leave Kookytown to get a good job....and leave my kids behind. And that's what my ex-husband insisted upon, and the law was behind him.

Can you believe that? The town where you get dumped in, is the town where you must stay, according to Canadian divorce law. Unless you want to leave for a job, then see your kids for a month in the summer, and that's it. And those little ones flying on a plane to see you. How sad, how scary, how sickening.

I couldn't do it, so I stayed, and in doing that, I compromised myself, my ambitions, my self-esteem, my power, my money-making abilities, and my freedom.

Which is all well and good, if you make that decision, and then you get the support you need from your family. Hmmmm.

In any event, I guess what I'm trying to say is, now that my mother is gone, I feel like blinkers have been removed from my eyes. I look at myself, and wonder, "what happened?" I haven't seen a doctor in years, on my own accord, for myself. I need to see an orthodontist, and I need to get various other physical issues in order. When's the last time I've had time to exercise the way I want to?

It goes on and on.... and I won't even mention the material objects I've denied myself...because I may need that money to give to other people. A Starbuck's Latte? Never had one. I can't afford that.

New clothes? Pshaw. My 25-year-old stuff is good enough for me. Meanwhile, my son gets the latest, best computer, and my daughter insists on Uggs as her daily footware. Etc.

Now, here's where I stop the rant. I just wanted to give you examples. And I will continue in my next post about how I may actually try to save myself, going forward.